Friday, March 14, 2014

Year One of Pope Francis

Here he is, commuting to work in Argentina...




I vividly remember sitting in this chair last year on March 13, and seeing the new pope step out on the balcony over Saint Peter’s Square.  He was different from the beginning, graciously but firmly refusing the big chair and the red shoes… referring to himself as the Bishop of Rome. 
Since then he’s done many things no pope in living memory has done, all of them directed to the people.
I attribute some of his behavior and choices to his formation and identity as a Jesuit.  When a man goes through the “spiritual boot camp” of a Jesuit novitiate and tertianship, he experiences his own faults in a way that keeps him humble and keeps him in relation with others… a community man, as they say in the Vincentians. That’s why he doesn’t live in the Vatican apartments, but lives in simple quarters in the priests’ residence down the path… and he celebrates the Eucharist every morning, not alone, but with others present.
Not only that, he is the first pope who was ordained after Vatican II. He imbibed those documents about the inner nature of the Church right from the beginning of his ministry.
Do I sound happy about him?  I am.

 talking with reporters on the plane...

 in retreat, right in the midst of all the other guys...

 last Holy Thursday, washing the feet of the young prisoners in Rome.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

On the Periphery


(art from website "the ocean of compassion")




Marginalized…

I was thinking about how young people look at old people;  how I looked at old people when I was young.  

On the street, a woman my age is close to invisible.  Here on campus, I’m not so invisible because so many students know me. But the ones who don’t know me often will pass by without looking at me,
Unless I smile and greet them. Then, their faces light up and they smile and greet me back.

But when I walk down the street in Frederick, or Baltimore, or Washington, generally, I’m invisible.
When I walk down the aisles in the huge grocery store, the people my age will look at me and nod or smile, but the younger ones don’t see me unless I am in their way.

I have been applying for summer writing residencies : The Vermont Studio Center, The MacDowell Colony, Yaddo, and have not gotten one. I tried the Sewanee Summer Conference and did not get accepted into that. The only ones I am getting into are the ones I have to pay for. I have to conclude that my poetry just isn’t good enough… but I also wonder if it is not because I am old.  I don’t have a promising future.

On the other hand, it is Lent, and it’s a time for me to scrutinize my misplaced priorities. We Sisters recently received a letter from the priest who is our Head Vincentian; he quoted Pope Francis, who challenged us to go out to the margins: “We have to look at things from the periphery. We have to go there in order to really know the life of the people.” 

Saints Emily Dickinson and Gerard Manley Hopkins, patrons of hidden poets, pray for me.


Monday, March 3, 2014

Monkey Mind




I don’t remember how long ago I read Thomas Merton using that phrase: “Monkey Mind” to describe his own struggles with focusing. But I do remember it, and knew it was true. If it was true of him, how much moreso it is of me.  





It’s always been true, but internet accessibility and use has exacerbated my problem. I remember back in about 1976, when I was working on my Masters at Hopkins. I was taking a course which included reading two volumes of Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past.  I found that the only way I could read it was to descend into the bowels of the Eisenhower Library, to the fourth level down, locate a distant carrel, and sit there with nothing but that book.  Then, I could concentrate on it.
I didn’t have that trouble with other texts; generally I could read in the midst of all kinds of noise; I would become so absorbed in my reading that I wouldn’t hear my mother asking me a questions.
That was when I was in my twenties. Today, I am much worse.  I have to read in my bedroom at my desk, with no background music or noise, and with nothing else on the desk. I close the laptop and put it on the other side of the room.  

Writing poetry is the same struggle; maybe even worse. 

Praying is the same way.  The monkeys are winning.




And even when I was preparing to write this blog entry, my monkey mind had me scrolling through Google for some good images and words from others. 

 Here are some good words from others:
From Chris Rothbauer:
We all have monkey mind; it’s the natural condition of the human race. Our mind rushes between obsessions, obsessing over money, grades, promotions, love, the latest episode of our favorite television show, and and even obsessing over our obsessing. In fact, if it exists, it’s possible for monkey mind to obsess on it before moving on to yet another obsession and starting the cycle all over again.


From BJ Gallagher in the Huff Post:
“Buddha described the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys, jumping around, screeching, chattering, carrying on endlessly. We all have monkey minds, Buddha said, with dozens of monkeys all clamoring for attention. Fear is an especially loud monkey, sounding the alarm incessantly, pointing out all the things we should be wary of and everything that could go wrong.
Buddha showed his students how to meditate in order to tame the drunken monkeys in their minds. It's useless to fight with the monkeys or to try to banish them from your mind because, as we all know, that which you resist persists. Instead, Buddha said, if you will spend some time each day in quiet meditation -- simply calm your mind by focusing on your breathing or a simple mantra -- you can, over time, tame the monkeys. They will grow more peaceful if you lovingly bring them into submission with a consistent practice of meditation.
I've found that the Buddha was right. Meditation is a wonderful way to quiet the voices of fear, anxiety, worry and other negative emotions.
I've also found that engaging the monkeys in gentle conversation can sometimes calm them down. I'll give you an example: Fear seems to be an especially noisy monkey for people like me who own their own business. As the years go by, Fear Monkey shows up less often, but when he does, he's always very intense. So I take a little time out to talk to him.
"What's the worst that can happen?" I ask him.
"You'll go broke," Fear Monkey replies.
"OK, what will happen if I go broke?" I ask.
"You'll lose your home," the monkey answers. “


From Michael Brown, in his blog  Stumbling Along the Spiritual Path:

Our minds are often like a tree full of monkeys. If you think of this image, all the chatter, noise, and leaping about represents the myriad of thoughts that go through our heads everyday. I wonder how many random thoughts the average person has everyday beyond the self generated thinking required for our daily tasks? In Buddhism you sometimes hear the term "no mind". What is this "no mind"? "No mind" is the space between thoughts. Without some effort on your part, you will never be aware of this space. Some types of meditation will train you to let go of thoughts and increase the space between thoughts. I know I have an overactive mind. My own incessant need to be thinking all the time sometimes makes me crazy. Even writing these daily thoughts makes me crazy at times because I am always thinking about things I can write about. I write daily thoughts five days a week and now have around 400+ of them posted on my web page. A lot of thinking went in to all that writing. It doesn't help that I can be a perfectionist and sometimes obsess over choosing the right words. A thought will come and I can spend hours developing it in my head while hoping the finished product might be worthy of being committed to paper. I sometimes have a difficult time focusing. I am easily distracted because my thoughts are all over the place. I head down one road and often end up on a side street. Right now I am reading three different books because while reading one I get distracted by another. Recently, I was reading an in depth biography of the Beatles. Then I got into the Chinese philosophy of the Tao Te Ching and the 60's history by Tom Brokaw. I got back into the Tao Te Ching and then I bought "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Between the reading and the writing and the demands of daily work and living, I sometimes have a case of the "monkey mind". The ironic part of this is I'm pretty sure some of you think I have it all together all the time. The truth is that I'm as wired and frazzled as most of you, at least some of the time. My mind sometimes wears me out. The good news is that I do know the antidote. I need to quiet my mind and the way to do that is to spend more time in the space between thoughts. I need to spend less time expanding my mind and more time quieting it. I need to be still more often and stop filling my life and head with noise and information. Being still and being quiet and allowing most of my thoughts to float away will increase the space between my thoughts and allow me to be in a state of "no mind". I think the Christian monk, Thomas Merton, would call this space between thoughts the "ground of your being". It is where we meet God and ourselves. Outside of this space we usually only meet ourselves coming and going.

So I will try again tomorrow.



Saturday, March 1, 2014

Winter is not finished with us yet

Weather.com on the Internet has been posting headlines with dire warnings all winter, and today is no exception:


That's my home in the lilac:  the 5-8" accumulation of snow, due to arrive on Monday, March 3.

Sigh.

I have been working on a presentation about Dylan Thomas'  sonnet sequence "Altar-wise by Owl-light."  It's way over my head, but I am still immersing myself in it.




I love his poetry.  Here is one for today:

A Winter's Tale

It is a winter's tale
That the snow blind twilight ferries over the lakes
And floating fields from the farm in the cup of the vales,
Gliding windless through the hand folded flakes,
The pale breath of cattle at the stealthy sail,

And the stars falling cold,
And the smell of hay in the snow, and the far owl
Warning among the folds, and the frozen hold
Flocked with the sheep white smoke of the farm house cowl
In the river wended vales where the tale was told.

Once when the world turned old
On a star of faith pure as the drifting bread,
As the food and flames of the snow, a man unrolled
The scrolls of fire that burned in his heart and head,
Torn and alone in a farm house in a fold

Of fields. And burning then
In his firelit island ringed by the winged snow
And the dung hills white as wool and the hen
Roosts sleeping chill till the flame of the cock crow
Combs through the mantled yards and the morning men

Stumble out with their spades,
The cattle stirring, the mousing cat stepping shy,
The puffed birds hopping and hunting, the milkmaids
Gentle in their clogs over the fallen sky,
And all the woken farm at its white trades,

He knelt, he wept, he prayed,
By the spit and the black pot in the log bright light
And the cup and the cut bread in the dancing shade,
In the muffled house, in the quick of night,
At the point of love, forsaken and afraid.

He knelt on the cold stones,
He wept form the crest of grief, he prayed to the veiled sky
May his hunger go howling on bare white bones
Past the statues of the stables and the sky roofed sties
And the duck pond glass and the blinding byres alone

Into the home of prayers
And fires where he should prowl down the cloud
Of his snow blind love and rush in the white lairs.
His naked need struck him howling and bowed
Though no sound flowed down the hand folded air

But only the wind strung
Hunger of birds in the fields of the bread of water, tossed
In high corn and the harvest melting on their tongues.
And his nameless need bound him burning and lost
When cold as snow he should run the wended vales among

The rivers mouthed in night,
And drown in the drifts of his need, and lie curled caught
In the always desiring centre of the white
Inhuman cradle and the bride bed forever sought
By the believer lost and the hurled outcast of light.

Deliver him, he cried,
By losing him all in love, and cast his need
Alone and naked in the engulfing bride,
Never to flourish in the fields of the white seed
Or flower under the time dying flesh astride.

Listen. The minstrels sing
In the departed villages. The nightingale,
Dust in the buried wood, flies on the grains of her wings
And spells on the winds of the dead his winter's tale.
The voice of the dust of water from the withered spring

Is telling. The wizened
Stream with bells and baying water bounds. The dew rings
On the gristed leaves and the long gone glistening
Parish of snow. The carved mouths in the rock are wind swept strings.
Time sings through the intricately dead snow drop. Listen.

It was a hand or sound
In the long ago land that glided the dark door wide
And there outside on the bread of the ground
A she bird rose and rayed like a burning bride.
A she bird dawned, and her breast with snow and scarlet downed.

Look. And the dancers move
On the departed, snow bushed green, wanton in moon light
As a dust of pigeons. Exulting, the grave hooved
Horses, centaur dead, turn and tread the drenched white
Paddocks in the farms of birds. The dead oak walks for love.

The carved limbs in the rock
Leap, as to trumpets. Calligraphy of the old
Leaves is dancing. Lines of age on the stones weave in a flock.
And the harp shaped voice of the water's dust plucks in a fold
Of fields. For love, the long ago she bird rises. Look.

And the wild wings were raised
Above her folded head, and the soft feathered voice
Was flying through the house as though the she bird praised
And all the elements of the slow fall rejoiced
That a man knelt alone in the cup of the vales,

In the mantle and calm,
By the spit and the black pot in the log bright light.
And the sky of birds in the plumed voice charmed
Him up and he ran like a wind after the kindling flight
Past the blind barns and byres of the windless farm.

In the poles of the year
When black birds died like priests in the cloaked hedge row
And over the cloth of counties the far hills rode near,
Under the one leaved trees ran a scarecrow of snow
And fast through the drifts of the thickets antlered like deer,

Rags and prayers down the knee-
Deep hillocks and loud on the numbed lakes,
All night lost and long wading in the wake of the she-
Bird through the times and lands and tribes of the slow flakes.
Listen and look where she sails the goose plucked sea,

The sky, the bird, the bride,
The cloud, the need, the planted stars, the joy beyond
The fields of seed and the time dying flesh astride,
The heavens, the heaven, the grave, the burning font.
In the far ago land the door of his death glided wide,

And the bird descended.
On a bread white hill over the cupped farm
And the lakes and floating fields and the river wended
Vales where he prayed to come to the last harm
And the home of prayers and fires, the tale ended.

The dancing perishes
On the white, no longer growing green, and, minstrel dead,
The singing breaks in the snow shoed villages of wishes
That once cut the figures of birds on the deep bread
And over the glazed lakes skated the shapes of fishes

Flying. The rite is shorn
Of nightingale and centaur dead horse. The springs wither
Back. Lines of age sleep on the stones till trumpeting dawn.
Exultation lies down. Time buries the spring weather
That belled and bounded with the fossil and the dew reborn.

For the bird lay bedded
In a choir of wings, as though she slept or died,
And the wings glided wide and he was hymned and wedded,
And through the thighs of the engulfing bride,
The woman breasted and the heaven headed

Bird, he was brought low,
Burning in the bride bed of love, in the whirl-
Pool at the wanting centre, in the folds
Of paradise, in the spun bud of the world.
And she rose with him flowering in her melting snow.




Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Perspective and Relativity of Age











The perspective and relativity of age

While viewing the feature about Stalin’s summer house,  one of the interviewed Russians was a woman who might have been forty. She was a bit partial to Stalin.  “He wasn’t so bad,” I believe she said. “He did some good things for our country.”  Welllllll….  It occurred to me that her education was flawed, to say the least.  It also occurred to me that the fall of the Soviet Union happened a little more than twenty years ago.  There’s a generation of young adults now who either don’t remember it, or weren’t born yet.

When I taught Mod Civ in 2010, very few students knew about the opening of East Berlin and the tearing down of the Berlin Wall in 1989. Most of them were BORN in 1989 or 1990!
That reality goes for many things in our world.  In my world.  At age 65, going on 66, I am realizing that my time of “power and influence” is over.  What little power and influence I had, anyway.  But even in the poetry world… the odds of my ever moving on to a larger stage than the one I am on  are slim to none.  Then I also curse myself for my temptation to hanker after fame.  Saint Emily Dickinson, help me!